For as long as I can remember, at least since I made the decision of what I would major in in college, I have been desperate not to disappoint other people. To my own detriment. I do my best to do what I am supposed to do to make sure I am meeting the needs and expectations of the people around me.
I have expectations for myself as well, but unfortunately they are largely trumped by those of other people. I want to be considered responsible, yet fun. Even if that means staying up too late and then getting out of bed the next morning so as not to disappoint anyone at my job by being late. Forget about disappointing myself by not making time to meditate. Well, at least put it secondary to what I perceive others expect.
Living from a Place of Fear
I would estimate that the majority of the time I am living from fear. I fear being late for work, saying the wrong thing, making a mistake, disappointing someone, being criticized, and mostly, not following my dreams. I fear, constantly, that I will never get the courage to write my book or make my blog a success, while simultaneously fearing that I am not doing enough to deliver on what other people expect of me.
It’s exhausting, and I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Which is why I share. The fear has improved, otherwise I wouldn’t even be sharing my thoughts today. We all have fears, but living from them day after day is not the recipe for a healthy life.
In my extreme unwillingness to disappoint other people, I have, unfortunately, become comfortable with disappointing myself. If I feel that someone else or some task needs to be tended to, then I likely take care of that need and skip my writing for the day.
Time is tricky. I can say I don’t have time to write, but I would have to carefully remind myself that if I believe everyone has the ability to make time to exercise, then I must also have the ability to make time to write. It isn’t lack of time that prevents me from moving forward (although I often cite that as the defining reason), but fear and a willingness to disappoint myself.
Fear, Time, and Love
Unwillingness to disappoint ourselves doesn’t take away from others. In fact, we are more able to make positive contributions that help other people when we are feeling good about ourselves. Living just to not disappoint other people is not a theme I want to be a part of anymore.
I am happy to help other people, but I want to do it from a place of love rather than fear. I want to show up to help out, not because I don’t want to disappoint others, but because I already know I am putting my own goals as a priority no matter what, and that they don’t take away from anyone else.
Following our dreams doesn’t have to mean that other people suffer because we aren’t there. Everyone needs to reclaim the time in the day that would otherwise slip through the cracks and turn into the I don’t have enough time excuse.
The excuse of I don’t have enough time has been my constant companion for quite a while now, and it is time for us to part ways. There is time, and I am unwilling to excuse myself from following my dreams based on this false assumption any longer.
Blogust and 90 Days to Your Novel
I have been debating whether or not to do Blogust (blogging everyday in the month of August) again this year for the past week. On the one hand, I really really really want to, because I enjoy blogging and writing and I just think the name is too cute so I want to be a part of it. On the other hand, I fear that I will not be able to keep up. That right there is reason enough for me.
I don’t want to not do things out of fear either, and I don’t want to be willing to disappoint myself by not doing things I want to do any longer. I write in 750words.com on a regular basis, and some days I write thousands of words. I have come to the conclusion that if I have time to write thousands of words in 750 Words, then I have time to write the first 750 as a blog post each day.
I have also obtained a copy of 90 Days to Your Novel by Sarah Domet. I have decided that if Stephen King thinks it shouldn’t take more than 3 months to write a novel first draft, then I will have to agree with him. And if I can’t at least come close to that mark, then perhaps I don’t need to be writing a novel in the first place.
I started this blog to not only help other people follow their dreams, but also to help myself do the same. I have a book idea that has been with me for years now and as much as I want to write about following our dreams, I have to actually do it to have any kind of credibility in writing about what I believe.
I am ready to get real about following my own dreams. Who’s with me? Namaste!
image credit: The Organised Housewife