“What’s my motivation?” – that Sprite commercial from the 90’s with the diva actor as basketball player. Remember?
We are enjoying a weekend getaway in beautiful, crisp northern Arizona in celebration of my husband’s birthday. We are loving the adorable cabin we get to stay in, and the cool evening air!
Something about birthdays (apparently not just my own) makes me feel the need to reflect on my life and where it is going.
Not Enough Time…Not Always
I haven’t been posting to my blog for a variety of reasons. On the surface I would say I don’t have the time, and I think that could be legitimized through the insane amount of work we have been doing to ensure our business is a success, on top of having full time jobs and personal lives to run.
So we are busy. But really I hate to use the “not enough time” excuse because I know it isn’t the real reason something isn’t getting done / is being avoided. There is always a deeper emotional layer to be revealed.
I have felt unsure if I should continue with my blog because I really wasn’t clear on the purpose of why I was blogging in the first place. Ok, so I wanted to make it big on the internet and create a passive stream of income and have the perfect life. The end.
But when that didn’t happen despite my efforts, and I watched all the other made it big on the internet people continue to enjoy the success of exponential growth by creating content based on their own lives, I got way down on myself and didn’t continue to put my best effort out there.
What Is My Motivation?
I have a really lovely life, but I still have this piece of it that I want to make better – the part where I am putting myself out in the world and doing work that feels fulfilling and meaningful to me. I have always felt called to be a writer so that made sense as possible career path for me.
Today I had the time so I was scrolling through all the draft posts that I had written with the intention to post but then didn’t finish or didn’t feel confident enough to post them. Some of them I didn’t know why I didn’t post, and others I was still a little bit embarrassed about what I had written.
But looking through them helped me to understand a different way of thinking about my blog, little as it may be.
I like the idea of having a chronicle of my life projects that I can look back on someday and share with others along the way. I do believe I have things to share that may never make me any money or even get recognized by anyone.
I realized that the purpose of my blog is actually not to make money or get recognized, which I maybe not so secretly hoped it would do for me.
The Things We Can & Can’t Control
The purpose of my blog is to be a space where I can shine as the real me, and share the real me and the things the real me is passionate about. Maybe other people will care / read them / learn from them. Maybe not. That part I am really not in control of.
What I am in control of is how well I communicate myself and my message to others. Whether or not I choose to share. Whether I get upset when I see other people doing what I wish I were doing, or choose to be happy for them, knowing that I have my own life path to work on and follow.
I truly hoped that this weekend getaway would reveal a renewed perspective on a few things, including my blog and whether I should delete it from the internet forever or keep writing.
I am happy to say that I want to keep writing and I now feel that I have a purpose behind it that is personally meaningful to me. A purpose that I can feel 100% in control of and know that I have no excuse to feel like a victim or a failure. Because the only failure would be not trying.
And Then the Perfectionist Kicks In
Sometimes when I think about posting to my blog, I feel like I need to have a full fledged business plan before I write some haphazard blog post that might be meaningless to my reader because it wasn’t thought out within the scheme of some overall cohesive plan that I have mapped out (like this one! for instance). This is definitely classic Annie!
I have a real perfectionist tendency that I think could possibly be channeled for good if I don’t let it destroy all my ideas and intentions that are meant to make life more fun and better.
I want my blog to be a space that makes my life better and richer and more fulfilled. I would love if it did that for like one other other person, but if not, I have to be okay with that. I want to do things purely because they feel like the right and best things for me to be doing. Things that bring me joy, and have the potential to bring joy to others.
Maybe that is good advice for anyone. Maybe not. But it’s what I have for now.
I hope to share my latest healthy recipe experiments (paleo-friendly Almond Joys among them!), attempts at organizing and planning my life, and attempts at leading a more peaceful and joyful life in this crazy/weird world we live in as I continue to inch towards my 35th birthday (4 months to go!) and beyond.
I don’t think perfection is the goal. But trying and enjoying the trying. That could be a worthwhile and attainable goal I could get on board with. Namaste!